Welcome Back to Israel

As I sit in the plane on my way Israel I have a very different feeling than I did last time. Last time I had to think about what I was going to need for 4 months...this time is only two weeks! I packed at the very last minute and basically am walking into the trip as an event that is going on in my life, not an amazing trip! It actually wasn’t until I was actually in the vans driving to Logan Airport that I began to even get excited. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I have been so incredibly busy and on top of it I have some cold/allergies/sinus thing going on...and it just makes traveling no fun.

The adventure began at 9:30am left my house and realized...”Oh! I need my Bible!” Who goes to the Holy Land and doesn’t bring the word of God. Met up with the rest of the team at Free Christian Church as we loaded the vans and headed to Logan Airport. Everything went well in regards to checking in and security, but our flight to New York was delayed three times! We were suppose to leave Logan at 12:30 and we ended up leaving at almost 4! Our flight for Tel Aviv was on time and was suppose to leave at 6:30pm. We made it with about 30 min to spare.

Both flights I was in first class. The ride from Boston to New York was not anything to be excited about. I received a bottle of water...whoo hoo. But the flight from New York to Tel Aviv...AWESOME!!! I arrive and while I am getting situated they come up to me and offer me a drink...beer? wine? champagne? juice? It was so nice and so relaxing, not only that but I have no one around me. HUGE seat with empty seats everywhere...great for sleeping! The seat and the drink would have been enough for me, but dinner. Dinner was AMAZING! They gave me a menu...good thing because some of the things I wasn’t even sure what they were. Started with an appetizer of lox with some kind of unique vegetable with feta cheese. I personally was not a huge fan of it...I’m not big on the raw fish. Then I got a HUGE salad with the cutest little dressing and salt & pepper shaker. Then the main course...OH BOY! An extremely tender steak in a mustard soy marinade, sweet potato steak fries seasoned in a cinnamon and salt rub with veggies. It was delicious! Dessert wasn’t anything great except that one could pick thier dessert off the cart very cool. Our expected time of arrival in Israel is 1:00 pm Israel time. For those of you who do not know...Israel is six hours ahead.

I updated my cell phone plan to make and take international calls and international text messages. So...if you get bored or just miss me give me a buzz or send me a text :)

I am really looking forward to going on the trip to just soak up what God has for me.

Blessings!

Sleepless in Andover

Tonight is the third sleepless night in a row. Why? Why? Why? I keep asking myself why I can't seem to calm down and sleep. Tuesday night I feel asleep early and ended up sleeping for 12 hours and now since then I can't seem to get more than a couple hours. What is the deal? There is nothing unusual going on in my life. I am not thinking about new things that are going on in my life. I finally came to a conclusion I am just not sure what to do about it. DREAMS -- Over the last month, and more vividly this last week, I have been having very realistic dreams. Ones that seem to be realistic. I actually walked up to someone and made a reference to a conversation I had with them in my dream...they were clueless...and I got so confused.

How do you know if God is speaking to you through a dream? All the dreams are different but there is one part that is a constant. In every dream this one particular situation always comes up and the outcome is always incomplete. I wake up before I know exactly what happens. It is so frustrating. So, tonight I am sleepless in Andover due to the fact that I am trying to figure out if God is trying to talk to me through my dreams. I guess I need to pray for a greater tenderness to the Holy Spirit and discerning the spirits which are swaying me in my life.

So...off I go hoping to fall asleep soon!

Emulation

It never ceases to amaze me the impact that people can have on others, especially children. I spend a lot of time with children and on a regular basis I see them imitate actions and words of those they are around. Today I was with one of my friends who has a three year old boy. The family is very involved in the worship aspect of the church and the little boy is always at the rehearsals Sunday morning and sits in the service for the singing portion. Today he wanted to play "the band." He set up a drum set, key board, two guitars, a bass (all with amps) and a sound board. He assigned everyone a person in the band to be. I was Mandi, the sound board person. His mother was Justin, the keyboardist and David, the drummer. When Mandi asked who Caden was he said, "Bradley" It was hilarious to watch him. He held his guitar and stood just like Brad. He put his music on a stand and pushed it off just like Brad. He even held the pick in his mouth just like Brad. It's funny to me because it did not stop there. One thing that one needs to know is that this campus needs to be set-up and torn down every week, and all the musicians help to do this. Every week Justin asks someone to help him move the keyboard. Well, Caden was moving his keyboard and was saying..."I am Bradley. I have muscles. I can move the keyboard by myself." and then he proceeded to carry it over his head. It was so cute. Everything he did was exactly like Brad does it. Caden is not the only child that I have seen this in.

Watching him today made me think about myself and how do I emulate people that I look up to. Most importantly how do I emulate Jesus Christ. Do I look at Christ and imitate his life and his actions the same way with the same amount of admiration and detail that these children look up to those they admire? Unfortunately I don't and that is something that I regret to say, but it is something to work on. It is something to strive for. To be more Christ-like.

Also, I don't know who is watching me. I am reminded of the verse that says, "Even a child is known my his actions by whether his conduct is pure and right." This goes beyond simply living my life, but being a good example of who Christ is and how He impacts my life. I have no idea who is watching me, but I do know that actions speak louder than words. Living in the world my life should look different. It should look like Christ!

Who would have thought that God would have taught me such a powerful and simple, but hard lesson through the play of a child.

Good Friday

The lyrics to this song have greatly impacted me through this Holy Week.  
Remembering the true meaning of the holiday and how it impacts my everyday life.  The bottom line is to run to the cross.  

Lead Me to the Cross
Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
 
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
 
You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
 
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
 
To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
 
-- Hillsong
 

 
Over the last couple of weeks I have been processing through some things going on in my life and decisions that I need
 to make.  I have been faced with choices to make and I am seeking what to do and trying to make the right choices, but 
realized through this song...that I have been seeking the answers from myself and people around me instead of seeking
 for the answers and the foot of the cross.  When Christ is at the center things  are clear and simple.  When the focus is put 
on self things become confusing and muddy.  I am so thankful for the cross and that God gave Jesus life for me.  Once 
again, because of that, I can come to the cross and ask for forgiveness for trying to do things my way instead of seeking 
Christ first.  I pray that as you experience this Easter that you realize again the great gift that we have in the life and death
 of Christ.

Supplying Needs

Being realistic and facing the facts. This week I went and looked at several places in the North Shore area. All of which were semi in my price range. Every single one was horrible. For those of you who are familiar with Free Christian Church they were all worse than the Bell House. I was getting really frustrated because I really want to be on my own and be released from a lot of the frustrations in my home. All along I thought this was the answer, but over this week several things came up that have pointed me in the other direction. I am still trying to figure out what to do, but I am feeling more and more that I am to stay living at home for a bit longer. I had to examine my priorities. What are the things that have to be done in my life and what do they cost? Number one is paying my bills and number two is finishing school. In order to finish school I need to give a pretty penny to them. I thought that the finances were covered for that, but unfortunately they are not and before I can go on I need to pay then $4000. That is a lot of money which I do not have. Today I kept thinking about the fact God will supply all my needs...He may give me my wants but first and foremost He is going to give me my needs. I do not need a place to live on my own. I have to surrender my wants and my desires for HIS wants and desires for my life. Sigh...as much as I hate that it seems like I am living with my parents for another little bit of time. But there are also benefits! I get free food, no rent, not utilities, and there is plenty of space to have people over. I sat with my parents today and talked to them about this. We are going to just set up some new guidelines for the house so that it is more like I am living in my own place with other people rather than living in my parents home. So, while this was not my original plan, it is the new plan!

Getting Up Again

Last week had been rough for me. Somethings were situational and other things were just stupid things that I internalized, but no matter what it was that was bothering me I was allowing it to control me rather than just be something that I was going through at that moment. There are times when I look at my life and it seems like everything is going wrong...nothing could get worse and sure enough it gets worse. Why is that? Day One -- A project I was working on completely fell apart and I had to start all over again. Day Two -- was just letting my emotions get the best of me. Day Three -- Had someone symbolically spit in my face. Day Four -- a good friend pointed out a major flaw in my life. Day Five -- Looking up, but still processing from the day before, and had a so-so date. Day Six -- Processed with a friend, and then found out another dear friend's grandmother is on her death bed. Day Seven -- Time change! Flood! As you can see none of these things in and of themselves are bad, but I tend to internalize and process things and when I do that I take things to heart. They effect me deeply, especially when it involves someone that I care about or that I know cares about me. But even aside from that the main problem is that I try to fix things instead of letting go and letting God fix it. This has been a problem of mine for years upon years. I have certain expectations for the way that I want my life to go and I have a very hard time letting God run it differently. I have a specific way that I see myself and I have a hard time letting God change me into the person that He wants me to be. I am ashamed to say at times I live more that a nominal catholic who believes they will get to heaven simply by being good. I pray and I read scripture and I try to live Christ-like, but when push comes to shove where is my security? I am ashamed to say that often my security comes from the life I live and the life I have made for myself rather than the life God is directing. And at times it is hard to distinguish the difference because I am not living a life of sinful pleasures, just sinful motives. I remember hearing a sermon while in college that talked about testing our motives. If I really examine the motives of every thing I do and removed all of the things that are selfish motives, even if they are Godly choices, I would be doing much less in my life. This was not the direction I was hoping this entry was going to go, but apparently I have thoughts on this. Being a good person or being a nice person is fantastic when the motives are not self-centered. I run into the problem of the fact that I have been "nice" for so long that it is hard for me to see what has pure motives and what is simply me trying to get attention or be liked. The bottom line, I believe, is where my security lies. Also, where my self confidence is. I am thankful for friends who support me and help me through this. I am thankful for my friends who have the guts to confront me on this and be used of God to make me more like Him. God even uses people you would never expect. Thursday was the day that was the hardest for me. I didn't want to be alone...I just couldn't. I knew if I was that my mind would take over and I didn't want that to happen. I was on facebook, like usual and I received a chat message from a friend that I had not spoken to in almost 10 years. We did a little small talk and then for some reason she just asked the right questions and I ended up pouring my heart out to her. She was so encouraging. God brought her at just the right time and used her as His instrument to revive my weak spirit.

God has also really used the lyrics of this Jonny Lang song to bring me to my knees to build me up and make me strong. God has called me to fight the good fight and I can't fight it without Him!

On My Feet Again

Heart is heavy, my soul is thirsty, body's aching

I am desperately in need of restoration

And I am ready for You to take me higher, yeah

The only thing that I can do is, keep on praying

'Cause on my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Load is heavy, too much accumulation, yeah

These possessions that I have amount to nothing at all

And I am willing to hand over every one of them

'Cause they won't profit me, anything in the end

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Never again will I wander without You

Alone in the wilderness, no, I won't

Never again will I offer to You anything

Less than my very best, O Jesus

Never again, never again

Now that I understand

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Blessings

Cloudy Beach

Shirts, shoes, pants, trinkets, toys, new gadgets, going out to eat, grocery shopping, books, movies, cd's etc...what do all of these things have in common? They are all things that one gets when they go shopping! For some reason getting new things, as little and cheap as they may be, bring about some type of joy! The last couple of days I have been feeling really down and discouraged, some of it was because of circumstances in my life (credit card number being stolen, license being suspended, processing life situations etc...) and the rest of the discouragement is just a down feeling. I was with people all day yesterday but for some reason I just never voiced my frustration or my discouragement, and what good would it do any way? Does having a pity party help anyone? No. So, what did I do? I went out and showered myself with gifts. Hahaha. Not the most economically wise choice and not the way to actually heal from the pain, but for some reason always makes me feel good. What is that? Why do the things of the world have such a hold on my life? Andy besides it doesn't even last that long. So, I came home and was great but the woke up this morning and it didn't change anything. I still felt discouraged, but now I was discouraged and had spent money on new stuff.

Today was such a beautiful day...No reason to feel discouraged, but yet that cloud was still there. I was with some great friends this morning and processed through a lot of stuff and was showered with love and compassion, but the heaviness didn't depart. Took a short nap and then went to the beach. That was the best choice! OH MY GOODNESS! It had been a while since I met with God in His creation! I drove out to Plum Island and just sat on the beach for a while taking in the waves and the beauty of the blue sky. I walked up and down the beach with the sand (cold sand) between my toes and just let everything go. If I had just done that yesterday I would have saved some money.

Why is it that I often run to God as a last resort? Sitting on that beach I was reminded of His power. Looking at the waves and thinking about water I was reminded of God's character. He is compassionate, gentle, and refreshing like a gentle rain or a small wave. But He is powerful like a storm and large waves. He needs to be the one I run to when that cloud is over me! He will make the grey cloudy skies clear beautiful and sunny. Just like the sky was today. I don't need stuff to make me happy I need a surrendered life!

Acceptance

Well, again I must stay it has been a long time since I have posted on this blog. I love to share my thoughts, but I seem to have a difficult time taking the time to actually sit and type out my thoughts.

2010 has been a much better year than 2009. I have begun examining myself in a new way. How is it that I can improve myself to be a more confident person and be more of an instrument for Christ. Over the last couple of months I have begun to step outside of myself and see how I interact with others. Beyond that I have friends, who for the first time in my life, have the chutzpa to call me out on the things that I need to improve in my life. Let me tell you it is really hard to take the "criticism" as loving and caring, and usually it ends up with me shedding a few tears. I hate that part, but I know that is part of the healing and growing process. No pain -- No gain.

So, I know that I need to change and I am beginning to see parts of things in my life that need to change, but how do you change habits in your life that you have fostered for years! How do I stay true to myself and who I was created to be yet not make poor choices in the process.

So, one area that I really struggle with is boundaries. Boundaries within work, friendships, family, and even within my walk with God. What is my motivator? What is making me push and have unhealthy boundaries? Why am I allowing myself to fill all the empty spaces in my life with "stuff", even good "stuff"? I think the bottom line is acceptance. I want to be liked and accepted by my friends. I want my boss to trust me and know that I am a go getter and that I will work hard to get the job done -- at any cost. I want to have a "normal" family life -- that is far fetched because what family is normal, but still...it is a struggle. When the rubber hits the road I ultimately want God to accept me. I strive to do go so that He will look upon me with favor.

Where did this idea ever come from? If I did not go above and beyond to help people would they still like me? Most likely...yes. If I did not shower the guy I liked with expensive gifts and kind letters would we have still ended up together? Probably. So why do I go overboard!

I have been given a big heart that genuinely cares for people and now, after 27 years it is time for me to truly learn how to care for myself and then care for others.