2010 has been a much better year than 2009. I have begun examining myself in a new way. How is it that I can improve myself to be a more confident person and be more of an instrument for Christ. Over the last couple of months I have begun to step outside of myself and see how I interact with others. Beyond that I have friends, who for the first time in my life, have the chutzpa to call me out on the things that I need to improve in my life. Let me tell you it is really hard to take the "criticism" as loving and caring, and usually it ends up with me shedding a few tears. I hate that part, but I know that is part of the healing and growing process. No pain -- No gain.
So, I know that I need to change and I am beginning to see parts of things in my life that need to change, but how do you change habits in your life that you have fostered for years! How do I stay true to myself and who I was created to be yet not make poor choices in the process.
So, one area that I really struggle with is boundaries. Boundaries within work, friendships, family, and even within my walk with God. What is my motivator? What is making me push and have unhealthy boundaries? Why am I allowing myself to fill all the empty spaces in my life with "stuff", even good "stuff"? I think the bottom line is acceptance. I want to be liked and accepted by my friends. I want my boss to trust me and know that I am a go getter and that I will work hard to get the job done -- at any cost. I want to have a "normal" family life -- that is far fetched because what family is normal, but still...it is a struggle. When the rubber hits the road I ultimately want God to accept me. I strive to do go so that He will look upon me with favor.
Where did this idea ever come from? If I did not go above and beyond to help people would they still like me? Most likely...yes. If I did not shower the guy I liked with expensive gifts and kind letters would we have still ended up together? Probably. So why do I go overboard!
I have been given a big heart that genuinely cares for people and now, after 27 years it is time for me to truly learn how to care for myself and then care for others.
