Getting Up Again

Last week had been rough for me. Somethings were situational and other things were just stupid things that I internalized, but no matter what it was that was bothering me I was allowing it to control me rather than just be something that I was going through at that moment. There are times when I look at my life and it seems like everything is going wrong...nothing could get worse and sure enough it gets worse. Why is that? Day One -- A project I was working on completely fell apart and I had to start all over again. Day Two -- was just letting my emotions get the best of me. Day Three -- Had someone symbolically spit in my face. Day Four -- a good friend pointed out a major flaw in my life. Day Five -- Looking up, but still processing from the day before, and had a so-so date. Day Six -- Processed with a friend, and then found out another dear friend's grandmother is on her death bed. Day Seven -- Time change! Flood! As you can see none of these things in and of themselves are bad, but I tend to internalize and process things and when I do that I take things to heart. They effect me deeply, especially when it involves someone that I care about or that I know cares about me. But even aside from that the main problem is that I try to fix things instead of letting go and letting God fix it. This has been a problem of mine for years upon years. I have certain expectations for the way that I want my life to go and I have a very hard time letting God run it differently. I have a specific way that I see myself and I have a hard time letting God change me into the person that He wants me to be. I am ashamed to say at times I live more that a nominal catholic who believes they will get to heaven simply by being good. I pray and I read scripture and I try to live Christ-like, but when push comes to shove where is my security? I am ashamed to say that often my security comes from the life I live and the life I have made for myself rather than the life God is directing. And at times it is hard to distinguish the difference because I am not living a life of sinful pleasures, just sinful motives. I remember hearing a sermon while in college that talked about testing our motives. If I really examine the motives of every thing I do and removed all of the things that are selfish motives, even if they are Godly choices, I would be doing much less in my life. This was not the direction I was hoping this entry was going to go, but apparently I have thoughts on this. Being a good person or being a nice person is fantastic when the motives are not self-centered. I run into the problem of the fact that I have been "nice" for so long that it is hard for me to see what has pure motives and what is simply me trying to get attention or be liked. The bottom line, I believe, is where my security lies. Also, where my self confidence is. I am thankful for friends who support me and help me through this. I am thankful for my friends who have the guts to confront me on this and be used of God to make me more like Him. God even uses people you would never expect. Thursday was the day that was the hardest for me. I didn't want to be alone...I just couldn't. I knew if I was that my mind would take over and I didn't want that to happen. I was on facebook, like usual and I received a chat message from a friend that I had not spoken to in almost 10 years. We did a little small talk and then for some reason she just asked the right questions and I ended up pouring my heart out to her. She was so encouraging. God brought her at just the right time and used her as His instrument to revive my weak spirit.

God has also really used the lyrics of this Jonny Lang song to bring me to my knees to build me up and make me strong. God has called me to fight the good fight and I can't fight it without Him!

On My Feet Again

Heart is heavy, my soul is thirsty, body's aching

I am desperately in need of restoration

And I am ready for You to take me higher, yeah

The only thing that I can do is, keep on praying

'Cause on my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Load is heavy, too much accumulation, yeah

These possessions that I have amount to nothing at all

And I am willing to hand over every one of them

'Cause they won't profit me, anything in the end

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Never again will I wander without You

Alone in the wilderness, no, I won't

Never again will I offer to You anything

Less than my very best, O Jesus

Never again, never again

Now that I understand

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Blessings