Supplying Needs

Being realistic and facing the facts. This week I went and looked at several places in the North Shore area. All of which were semi in my price range. Every single one was horrible. For those of you who are familiar with Free Christian Church they were all worse than the Bell House. I was getting really frustrated because I really want to be on my own and be released from a lot of the frustrations in my home. All along I thought this was the answer, but over this week several things came up that have pointed me in the other direction. I am still trying to figure out what to do, but I am feeling more and more that I am to stay living at home for a bit longer. I had to examine my priorities. What are the things that have to be done in my life and what do they cost? Number one is paying my bills and number two is finishing school. In order to finish school I need to give a pretty penny to them. I thought that the finances were covered for that, but unfortunately they are not and before I can go on I need to pay then $4000. That is a lot of money which I do not have. Today I kept thinking about the fact God will supply all my needs...He may give me my wants but first and foremost He is going to give me my needs. I do not need a place to live on my own. I have to surrender my wants and my desires for HIS wants and desires for my life. Sigh...as much as I hate that it seems like I am living with my parents for another little bit of time. But there are also benefits! I get free food, no rent, not utilities, and there is plenty of space to have people over. I sat with my parents today and talked to them about this. We are going to just set up some new guidelines for the house so that it is more like I am living in my own place with other people rather than living in my parents home. So, while this was not my original plan, it is the new plan!

Getting Up Again

Last week had been rough for me. Somethings were situational and other things were just stupid things that I internalized, but no matter what it was that was bothering me I was allowing it to control me rather than just be something that I was going through at that moment. There are times when I look at my life and it seems like everything is going wrong...nothing could get worse and sure enough it gets worse. Why is that? Day One -- A project I was working on completely fell apart and I had to start all over again. Day Two -- was just letting my emotions get the best of me. Day Three -- Had someone symbolically spit in my face. Day Four -- a good friend pointed out a major flaw in my life. Day Five -- Looking up, but still processing from the day before, and had a so-so date. Day Six -- Processed with a friend, and then found out another dear friend's grandmother is on her death bed. Day Seven -- Time change! Flood! As you can see none of these things in and of themselves are bad, but I tend to internalize and process things and when I do that I take things to heart. They effect me deeply, especially when it involves someone that I care about or that I know cares about me. But even aside from that the main problem is that I try to fix things instead of letting go and letting God fix it. This has been a problem of mine for years upon years. I have certain expectations for the way that I want my life to go and I have a very hard time letting God run it differently. I have a specific way that I see myself and I have a hard time letting God change me into the person that He wants me to be. I am ashamed to say at times I live more that a nominal catholic who believes they will get to heaven simply by being good. I pray and I read scripture and I try to live Christ-like, but when push comes to shove where is my security? I am ashamed to say that often my security comes from the life I live and the life I have made for myself rather than the life God is directing. And at times it is hard to distinguish the difference because I am not living a life of sinful pleasures, just sinful motives. I remember hearing a sermon while in college that talked about testing our motives. If I really examine the motives of every thing I do and removed all of the things that are selfish motives, even if they are Godly choices, I would be doing much less in my life. This was not the direction I was hoping this entry was going to go, but apparently I have thoughts on this. Being a good person or being a nice person is fantastic when the motives are not self-centered. I run into the problem of the fact that I have been "nice" for so long that it is hard for me to see what has pure motives and what is simply me trying to get attention or be liked. The bottom line, I believe, is where my security lies. Also, where my self confidence is. I am thankful for friends who support me and help me through this. I am thankful for my friends who have the guts to confront me on this and be used of God to make me more like Him. God even uses people you would never expect. Thursday was the day that was the hardest for me. I didn't want to be alone...I just couldn't. I knew if I was that my mind would take over and I didn't want that to happen. I was on facebook, like usual and I received a chat message from a friend that I had not spoken to in almost 10 years. We did a little small talk and then for some reason she just asked the right questions and I ended up pouring my heart out to her. She was so encouraging. God brought her at just the right time and used her as His instrument to revive my weak spirit.

God has also really used the lyrics of this Jonny Lang song to bring me to my knees to build me up and make me strong. God has called me to fight the good fight and I can't fight it without Him!

On My Feet Again

Heart is heavy, my soul is thirsty, body's aching

I am desperately in need of restoration

And I am ready for You to take me higher, yeah

The only thing that I can do is, keep on praying

'Cause on my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Load is heavy, too much accumulation, yeah

These possessions that I have amount to nothing at all

And I am willing to hand over every one of them

'Cause they won't profit me, anything in the end

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Never again will I wander without You

Alone in the wilderness, no, I won't

Never again will I offer to You anything

Less than my very best, O Jesus

Never again, never again

Now that I understand

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Blessings

Cloudy Beach

Shirts, shoes, pants, trinkets, toys, new gadgets, going out to eat, grocery shopping, books, movies, cd's etc...what do all of these things have in common? They are all things that one gets when they go shopping! For some reason getting new things, as little and cheap as they may be, bring about some type of joy! The last couple of days I have been feeling really down and discouraged, some of it was because of circumstances in my life (credit card number being stolen, license being suspended, processing life situations etc...) and the rest of the discouragement is just a down feeling. I was with people all day yesterday but for some reason I just never voiced my frustration or my discouragement, and what good would it do any way? Does having a pity party help anyone? No. So, what did I do? I went out and showered myself with gifts. Hahaha. Not the most economically wise choice and not the way to actually heal from the pain, but for some reason always makes me feel good. What is that? Why do the things of the world have such a hold on my life? Andy besides it doesn't even last that long. So, I came home and was great but the woke up this morning and it didn't change anything. I still felt discouraged, but now I was discouraged and had spent money on new stuff.

Today was such a beautiful day...No reason to feel discouraged, but yet that cloud was still there. I was with some great friends this morning and processed through a lot of stuff and was showered with love and compassion, but the heaviness didn't depart. Took a short nap and then went to the beach. That was the best choice! OH MY GOODNESS! It had been a while since I met with God in His creation! I drove out to Plum Island and just sat on the beach for a while taking in the waves and the beauty of the blue sky. I walked up and down the beach with the sand (cold sand) between my toes and just let everything go. If I had just done that yesterday I would have saved some money.

Why is it that I often run to God as a last resort? Sitting on that beach I was reminded of His power. Looking at the waves and thinking about water I was reminded of God's character. He is compassionate, gentle, and refreshing like a gentle rain or a small wave. But He is powerful like a storm and large waves. He needs to be the one I run to when that cloud is over me! He will make the grey cloudy skies clear beautiful and sunny. Just like the sky was today. I don't need stuff to make me happy I need a surrendered life!