Supplying Needs

Being realistic and facing the facts. This week I went and looked at several places in the North Shore area. All of which were semi in my price range. Every single one was horrible. For those of you who are familiar with Free Christian Church they were all worse than the Bell House. I was getting really frustrated because I really want to be on my own and be released from a lot of the frustrations in my home. All along I thought this was the answer, but over this week several things came up that have pointed me in the other direction. I am still trying to figure out what to do, but I am feeling more and more that I am to stay living at home for a bit longer. I had to examine my priorities. What are the things that have to be done in my life and what do they cost? Number one is paying my bills and number two is finishing school. In order to finish school I need to give a pretty penny to them. I thought that the finances were covered for that, but unfortunately they are not and before I can go on I need to pay then $4000. That is a lot of money which I do not have. Today I kept thinking about the fact God will supply all my needs...He may give me my wants but first and foremost He is going to give me my needs. I do not need a place to live on my own. I have to surrender my wants and my desires for HIS wants and desires for my life. Sigh...as much as I hate that it seems like I am living with my parents for another little bit of time. But there are also benefits! I get free food, no rent, not utilities, and there is plenty of space to have people over. I sat with my parents today and talked to them about this. We are going to just set up some new guidelines for the house so that it is more like I am living in my own place with other people rather than living in my parents home. So, while this was not my original plan, it is the new plan!

Getting Up Again

Last week had been rough for me. Somethings were situational and other things were just stupid things that I internalized, but no matter what it was that was bothering me I was allowing it to control me rather than just be something that I was going through at that moment. There are times when I look at my life and it seems like everything is going wrong...nothing could get worse and sure enough it gets worse. Why is that? Day One -- A project I was working on completely fell apart and I had to start all over again. Day Two -- was just letting my emotions get the best of me. Day Three -- Had someone symbolically spit in my face. Day Four -- a good friend pointed out a major flaw in my life. Day Five -- Looking up, but still processing from the day before, and had a so-so date. Day Six -- Processed with a friend, and then found out another dear friend's grandmother is on her death bed. Day Seven -- Time change! Flood! As you can see none of these things in and of themselves are bad, but I tend to internalize and process things and when I do that I take things to heart. They effect me deeply, especially when it involves someone that I care about or that I know cares about me. But even aside from that the main problem is that I try to fix things instead of letting go and letting God fix it. This has been a problem of mine for years upon years. I have certain expectations for the way that I want my life to go and I have a very hard time letting God run it differently. I have a specific way that I see myself and I have a hard time letting God change me into the person that He wants me to be. I am ashamed to say at times I live more that a nominal catholic who believes they will get to heaven simply by being good. I pray and I read scripture and I try to live Christ-like, but when push comes to shove where is my security? I am ashamed to say that often my security comes from the life I live and the life I have made for myself rather than the life God is directing. And at times it is hard to distinguish the difference because I am not living a life of sinful pleasures, just sinful motives. I remember hearing a sermon while in college that talked about testing our motives. If I really examine the motives of every thing I do and removed all of the things that are selfish motives, even if they are Godly choices, I would be doing much less in my life. This was not the direction I was hoping this entry was going to go, but apparently I have thoughts on this. Being a good person or being a nice person is fantastic when the motives are not self-centered. I run into the problem of the fact that I have been "nice" for so long that it is hard for me to see what has pure motives and what is simply me trying to get attention or be liked. The bottom line, I believe, is where my security lies. Also, where my self confidence is. I am thankful for friends who support me and help me through this. I am thankful for my friends who have the guts to confront me on this and be used of God to make me more like Him. God even uses people you would never expect. Thursday was the day that was the hardest for me. I didn't want to be alone...I just couldn't. I knew if I was that my mind would take over and I didn't want that to happen. I was on facebook, like usual and I received a chat message from a friend that I had not spoken to in almost 10 years. We did a little small talk and then for some reason she just asked the right questions and I ended up pouring my heart out to her. She was so encouraging. God brought her at just the right time and used her as His instrument to revive my weak spirit.

God has also really used the lyrics of this Jonny Lang song to bring me to my knees to build me up and make me strong. God has called me to fight the good fight and I can't fight it without Him!

On My Feet Again

Heart is heavy, my soul is thirsty, body's aching

I am desperately in need of restoration

And I am ready for You to take me higher, yeah

The only thing that I can do is, keep on praying

'Cause on my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Load is heavy, too much accumulation, yeah

These possessions that I have amount to nothing at all

And I am willing to hand over every one of them

'Cause they won't profit me, anything in the end

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Never again will I wander without You

Alone in the wilderness, no, I won't

Never again will I offer to You anything

Less than my very best, O Jesus

Never again, never again

Now that I understand

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

On my own I just can't get it right

It doesn't matter how hard I try

But with You I become a much stronger man

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet

Getting on my knees puts me back on my feet again

Blessings

Cloudy Beach

Shirts, shoes, pants, trinkets, toys, new gadgets, going out to eat, grocery shopping, books, movies, cd's etc...what do all of these things have in common? They are all things that one gets when they go shopping! For some reason getting new things, as little and cheap as they may be, bring about some type of joy! The last couple of days I have been feeling really down and discouraged, some of it was because of circumstances in my life (credit card number being stolen, license being suspended, processing life situations etc...) and the rest of the discouragement is just a down feeling. I was with people all day yesterday but for some reason I just never voiced my frustration or my discouragement, and what good would it do any way? Does having a pity party help anyone? No. So, what did I do? I went out and showered myself with gifts. Hahaha. Not the most economically wise choice and not the way to actually heal from the pain, but for some reason always makes me feel good. What is that? Why do the things of the world have such a hold on my life? Andy besides it doesn't even last that long. So, I came home and was great but the woke up this morning and it didn't change anything. I still felt discouraged, but now I was discouraged and had spent money on new stuff.

Today was such a beautiful day...No reason to feel discouraged, but yet that cloud was still there. I was with some great friends this morning and processed through a lot of stuff and was showered with love and compassion, but the heaviness didn't depart. Took a short nap and then went to the beach. That was the best choice! OH MY GOODNESS! It had been a while since I met with God in His creation! I drove out to Plum Island and just sat on the beach for a while taking in the waves and the beauty of the blue sky. I walked up and down the beach with the sand (cold sand) between my toes and just let everything go. If I had just done that yesterday I would have saved some money.

Why is it that I often run to God as a last resort? Sitting on that beach I was reminded of His power. Looking at the waves and thinking about water I was reminded of God's character. He is compassionate, gentle, and refreshing like a gentle rain or a small wave. But He is powerful like a storm and large waves. He needs to be the one I run to when that cloud is over me! He will make the grey cloudy skies clear beautiful and sunny. Just like the sky was today. I don't need stuff to make me happy I need a surrendered life!

Acceptance

Well, again I must stay it has been a long time since I have posted on this blog. I love to share my thoughts, but I seem to have a difficult time taking the time to actually sit and type out my thoughts.

2010 has been a much better year than 2009. I have begun examining myself in a new way. How is it that I can improve myself to be a more confident person and be more of an instrument for Christ. Over the last couple of months I have begun to step outside of myself and see how I interact with others. Beyond that I have friends, who for the first time in my life, have the chutzpa to call me out on the things that I need to improve in my life. Let me tell you it is really hard to take the "criticism" as loving and caring, and usually it ends up with me shedding a few tears. I hate that part, but I know that is part of the healing and growing process. No pain -- No gain.

So, I know that I need to change and I am beginning to see parts of things in my life that need to change, but how do you change habits in your life that you have fostered for years! How do I stay true to myself and who I was created to be yet not make poor choices in the process.

So, one area that I really struggle with is boundaries. Boundaries within work, friendships, family, and even within my walk with God. What is my motivator? What is making me push and have unhealthy boundaries? Why am I allowing myself to fill all the empty spaces in my life with "stuff", even good "stuff"? I think the bottom line is acceptance. I want to be liked and accepted by my friends. I want my boss to trust me and know that I am a go getter and that I will work hard to get the job done -- at any cost. I want to have a "normal" family life -- that is far fetched because what family is normal, but still...it is a struggle. When the rubber hits the road I ultimately want God to accept me. I strive to do go so that He will look upon me with favor.

Where did this idea ever come from? If I did not go above and beyond to help people would they still like me? Most likely...yes. If I did not shower the guy I liked with expensive gifts and kind letters would we have still ended up together? Probably. So why do I go overboard!

I have been given a big heart that genuinely cares for people and now, after 27 years it is time for me to truly learn how to care for myself and then care for others.

Jonah -- Family Night

Hello!

This morning as I sat to do my bible reading I was feeling like I just wanted to read a story, so I read the book of Jonah. My heart was greatly touched by it. I realized that I am often like Jonah. I run from God's will for my life, I fall on my face, and coming running back like a puppy with my tail between my legs. I follow his will and then fall right back into a place of complaining and doubt. What it is about being human with our sinful nature that makes us think that we are better than God?

I was also stunned by what a powerful testimony Jonah was for God even in his running away from God. The others on the boat realized that God is THE God through the power and might that God put forth in the storm. In our terms today we would say that they "accepted". This also brought me a sense of comfort because even in Jonah's disobedience God still used it to bring others to Himself.

I pray that I have the strength and obedience to follow Christ now matter what and stop running in the other direction, but I know that God is with me and He is always at work!

Praise God!

Last night was the Family Night kick-off for the 2009 - 2010 year. Everything went so smoothly -- I think. I was in heaven. I walked in with two of my favorite children...Calvin and Shannon. After Dad left Shannon was having a hard time and was the one who got to calm her down. I love that girl so much! Shortly after she was born I went to Israel and I was afraid that she wouldn't get to know me the way her brother did, but those doubts were short lived. I feel so blessed to have those children in my life.

This is Shannon. Isn't she just adorable!

No Greater Love

This is Isaac Mathew Samuelson. Born to Mat and Anne Samuelson. September 17, 2009 1:35pm 6lbs 15oz 19inches. He is happy and healthy!

Today I was hit with a greater understanding of what love is. As I mentioned before, my very good friend, Anne, just had a baby. She and her husband, Mat, brought the baby into the church to visit everyone. After all the excitement settled Anne and I were talking about the overwhelming love that she has for Isaac, her son. It is unexplainable and overwhelming. I can't even imagine the amount of love that she has for him because I feel a great amount of love for him too. But what hit me even harder than that was the Love that God has for us is even greater than the love a mother or father has for thier child. It is overwhelming.

The book of I John keeps running through my head. The greatness of God's love is impossible to comprehend! I often times think, "Do I really love this person?" I challange myself with the thought...would I give my life for this person? I would say 90% of the time I'd say yes even if I am not really close with the person. But 100% of the time Jesus said Yes! He loves us more than we can humanily understand.

"This is how we know what love is, that Jesus Christ laid down His life for us!"

A Long Time

Well, It has been a long time since I have last posted. Almost a year! I am going to try to keep up with this again, but life has been so busy. Unfortunately blogging is the first thing to go.
Let's see...the last year in a quick over view. I am working part time at a preschool. I wish I were actually teaching but rather I am speech and language tutor. There are many children in this particular program who only speak spanish or spanish is thier second language. I come in and help them learn english and work on pronounciations etc... It is so much fun. The children are great! I know that I am not suppose to have favorites, but there are those few kids that hold a very special place in my heart.
When I returned from Israel last December I did not return to my home church and was church "shopping". In April my home church approached me about working part time because the woman they hired was pregnant and needed to change her hours. I took advantage of that. So, I am back working at Free Christian Church part time. It has been a blessing!
My summer was not very exciting. Although, the head of the Children's department was on Sabbatical so there were three part time workers who ran the show. VBS was a success! We had over 200 children and over 100 volunteers. God showed up and worked amazingly through everyone!
Lets see the other big amazing things are that the church has opened a second site and the family of God is growing.
This summer my dear friend, Sara got married to the man of her dreams! It was a beautiful wedding and it was tons of fun!
And right now the most exciting thing is that my friend Anne had a beautiful baby boy! He is so precious!
Other than that life is just going along. I am taking hebrew and planning a trip back to Israel. I should be graduating with my masters in May and only God knows what will come next.
I will keep you all informed on things and share my heart!
Blessings!